"Bon Qui Qui" Skit: Full Script from MADtv

"Bon Qui Qui" is a recurring MADtv character portrayed by Anjelah Johnson-Reyes (debut: Season 13, Episode 5, Oct 2007). The sketch parodies fast-food service attitudes through an outrageously unprofessional, self-aggrandizing "rapper" employee at "King Burger."

Full Sketch Script (Condensed for Key Beats)

SETTING: King Burger counter. CHARACTERS: Bon Qui Qui (cashier), Customer (rotating), Manager (occasional).

OPENING: Bon Qui Qui leans on register, filing nails, headset askew. Customer approaches.

BON QUI QUI: (Without looking up) "Welcome to King Burger. Order or get out the line."

CUSTOMER: "Hi, I'd like a—"

BON QUI QUI: (Interrupts) "Hold on." Finishes nail. "Now. What you want?"

CUSTOMER: "Number 3 with Diet Coke."

BON QUI QUI: "Number 3. That's the double cheese. You want cheese on that?"

CUSTOMER: "It comes with cheese."

BON QUI QUI: "I'm asking you. You want cheese on top of the cheese?"

CUSTOMER: "...No."

BON QUI QUI: "Aight. That's $4.87." Types slowly. "Cash or card?"

CUSTOMER: "Card."

BON QUI QUI: "We don't take card."

CUSTOMER: "The sign says—"

BON QUI QUI: "Sign wrong. Cash only. ATM outside. Next!"

CUSTOMER: (Leaves frustrated)

BON QUI QUI: (To next customer) "Welcome to King Burger. I'm Bon Qui Qui. I'm the baddest in the game. Don't play me."

Iconic Catchphrases

• "Don't be suspicious!"
• "I will cut you!" (delivered cheerfully)
• "Security!" (summons imaginary guard for minor infractions)
• "That's not my job." (said about core duties)
• "Look at me. I'm beautiful. I'm talented. I'm Bon Qui Qui."
• "Haters gonna hate."

Rap Interludes (Recurring Bit)

Bon Qui Qui breaks into improvised "rap" about her greatness:

"Yo, I'm Bon Qui Qui, the baddest in the game!
Got flow so sick, it's a living shame!
I drop rhymes like a hurricane,
I'll leave your mind blown without any pain!
I got bars so cold, they could freeze your soul!
Got swag so fresh, it makes your grandma roll!
I'm a lyrical legend, I'm a rap god!
Bow down to the Bon Qui Qui squad!"

Character Logic

Bon Qui Qui isn't just rude — she's delusionally confident. She genuinely believes she's a star temporarily working fast food. The humor comes from the gap between her self-mythology and reality, plus customers' helpless reactions to her unfireable absurdity (manager never appears).

Cultural Impact

• Viral pre-YouTube (MySpace, early Facebook)
• Anjelah Johnson-Reyes' breakout — led to stand-up specials, Chelsea Lately roundtable, Ugly Betty guest arc
• Referenced in Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Office fandom
• Catchphrases entered 2000s internet slang

Full episodes available on Hulu/Paramount+ (MADtv Seasons 13-14). The character reappeared in Johnson-Reyes' stand-up "Not Fancy" (2015) and "Mahalo & Goodnight" (2021).